Well this is it for sure! Your spouse just crossed the line for the last time + you are done with the relationship! You want out! No matter how many ways you phrase it or break it down - your teen directly defies what you tell them to do! You're certain you're not speaking another language + you're done. Absolutely finished! You're not sure what that looks like as a parent, but you know you're THERE!
Trust is sacred. Trust is a demonstration of love + respect. Trust is foreign to some, yet a comfort to all. Trust allows you to do the unthinkable + believe the impossible. Without trust...there is no relationship.... I'm sure this sounds a bit harsh, but it's true! Trust is the foundation for any relationship. You trust that you will be paid in two weeks for the work you do now. You trust that when you drive across a bridge it won't give out on you. Every place we go, we experience some level of trust. Is it any wonder when it's broken we become so defensive?
If you have ever visited the Home page of this website, one of the first words that appear are: I believe there is hope for every family. I truly believe there is hope even once trust has been damaged to what appears to be an irreparable state. I am by no means suggesting this is easy, but it can be done. I have seen it happen... when both parties are committed. How do you restore trust where the damage has reached the core of the relationship? It takes time. There is no way around the time it takes to restore trust. There are many people who would rather rush the process, but the best results come with committed, paced steps toward restoration. Restoration doesn't have to mean exactly as things were before. I would like to think of restoration as a stronger, deeper connection to one another. Why? Simply because you have now truly been exposed to your spouse/teen's flaws + yet you choose to love them unconditionally in spite of these things.
Here are 4 suggestions to help to kickstart your journey of healing...
#1 | START.
Start the conversation + get to the root of why trust continues to be an issue. Your relationship cannot change simply because you wish it would. You have to do the work. You have to have the tough conversations. Many of us avoid confrontation or approach it with a negative mindset. Most of us do not practice fighting through the trenches together. Ask yourself these 2 questions before you start the conversation, so that you can be prepared to think positively about contributing to the change you want to see in the relationship: Is there something I can do differently to help change this situation? Does this link to previous experiences with trauma?
#2 | Agree.
Agree to start the process of repairing the damage. Trust cannot be restored without both people committing to think + act differently! Again, I am not saying this process will be easy, but {so cliche} it will be worth it if you value the relationship! So there was this one time where I wrote a whole workbook {seriously over 80 pgs} on repairing relationships in broken phases + I want to give you 12 pages from that workbook! Why? Because this portion of the workbook walks you through specific strategies for moving beyond violence + intense pain. Click here to grab your 12 pages - no email required!
#3 | Time.
Know that it takes time to re-build trust. Time heals brokenness. You won't be able conquer everything in one night. Really wanting things to change is a great start, but you have to maintain that motivation through the ugly, broken parts of conflict. Conflict is natural in a relationship. It's how you handle that conflict that determines whether it had a positive or negative effect on the relationship.
#4 | Start Over.
Don't be afraid to go back to step one. It's never a bad thing to stop yourself + return to step one if you feel stuck there. It's also important to know that if you have moved beyond step one, but {insert name} is still there....you have to go back with them. Rather than getting completely frustrated with starting over, as yourself what you may have missed. Listen for what {insert name} is really struggling with - there may be something different you might have missed the last 78 times you talked about it.
Have you started your journey of healing? How is it going? Is there a place where you feel stuck? Was there a particular portion of this post that stood out to you? Drop me a line in the comments or visit me in the Tribe Lounge!